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       its this time of the year I despise for so many different reasons. cold air taunts me as the snow reflects the blankness I wish I felt. its this season that brings me back to my more free times of drowning myself in cough syrup and room temperature jack. stumbling to school so twisted id cry in the bathroom cutting myself with a broken pair of scissors then go back to class, it all helped me though. I was so level headed when I was barely coherent and bleeding under my thin sleeves. id waltz through the halls, earbuds blaring the same phoenix song over and over. I don’t know how I didn’t collapse from all that shit. I hunger for it every day. empty delsym bottles taunt me like the snow. the crisp fucking wind slices my ears and whispers to me like some fucking schizophrenic 5 year old. my access to these substances has not so recently been cut off. im invincible when I cant feel my fingers. im at peace when I cant see straight. im inspired when all I want to do is hurt myself. the fucking snow. now I know why ghosts are white. theres nothing more haunting than a blank canvas.

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