My tumblr is now officially cursedpants.tumblr.com !
Life is beautiful
Life is free
Life is somewhere I don’t want to be
We want to be wealthy
We want to be adored
We want to be happy, sad, ignored
There’s emotions, all chemical
There’s people, thoughts, sounds
There’s too many things dead, forgotten, far too profound
Life is hard
Life is wrong
Life is my favorite sad song
Death is salvation
Death is unbiased
Death cures the minds of those willing to try it
Feel so inhuman today. I feel as though I’m just a hovering being watching life’s clockwork. I’m not sure. I think too deep about the simplest ideologies. I think its my broadest strength and my most devious weakness. I want to see the world as mildly innocent. I want to view life as a passing craze, filled with delicious moments soon to be forgotten yet somehow felt. I don’t want to question the motive of every movement, decision, thought, and word… I overthink the small things and pass up the big. I decide that there are deeper meanings to Everything. Motives and unresolved emotions. I want to go about my day and only see the film. The top layer. Not dig and wonder deeper Because what justification do I get from knowing deeper meaning? How does that change outcome. Outlook. Memory. Regret. Thought. Intent? It doesn’t. Alas here I am pondering yet another ideology of my life. Myself. Will I even calm my searching mind? Or is it forever searching for answers to questions I have yet to ask.
I can’t take letting people down anymore. I can’t take a lot of things. I can’t take being ignored, adored… I can’t handle it I have no room in my head anymore. So many voices so much guilt… I don’t think there’s one person left ive met that I haven’t disappointed. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry world I’m sorry people ive met I’m sorry to the ground ive walked on and the footsteps ive left. All so useless. The air I breathe every breath exhale more poisonous than the first. I’m sorry I never meant to be this toxic I never meant to be this weak. I just hope someone will forgive me before they forget me. Maybe I’m meant to be this toxic. Why have I lived this long if I’m not even a positive contribution. Even the most crooked of psychopaths teach the world. What have I taught anyone what mark have I made what mark will I ever leave? What if I’m this toxic to my lover or my children… all I ever am is toxic all ill ever be is waste. I seep into your life and ruin it without trying to. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I don’t want to ruin anyone anymore I don’t want to be here or there. I don’t want to be sad happy alone loved high sober in pain in bliss… the annoyance that is life has bugged me for the last time I don’t know which I hate more, myself or the ground I walk on
I don’t care if you’re worse off mentally more than I am, I don’t care what type of demons seep into your being when you’re alone at night. I gave you everything. I wanted to be that wall keeping those demons away. We all have demons but yours are suppressed by your stubborn brovado. I’m not saying I understand you. Nobody understands anyone, that’s just kind of a magical source of hope. We all want to find someone who understands them, the search is what keeps us going. Even if I can’t understand him I wish I could understand what else someone wants. Happiness? I’m always nice even when I’m at my lowest, hovering the blade over my wrist hoping for the courage to press down, I can’t show it. I can’t express that. I want to seem pure to you. I want to be that optimistic innocent selfish smiling soul you layed eyes on that cold January afternoon. I want you to want me even if I’ve changed. I wish you could look in my eyes and realize the confusing agony you so deliciously put me through. I crave the pain I get when I hold back my emotions from you. I know you see my scars all over. I don’t know if its denial, embarrassment, selfishness, or you just can’t bring yourself to break down your own wall. Force yourself to let my emotions in and yours peek through. Its tragic how much I like you honestly. Hopeless and wonderful and paralyzing and pathetic. But that’s what I keep coming back for. For me, you represent everything I was, am, and hope to become. you’re every component of humanity I hate love loath desire… I just wish you knew. Then again I don’t. When I’m sitting alone in a starbucks in 10 years, when I’m laying alone in bed after my kids have grown, after my husband has passed and I lay there, as I do now, pondering idealistic alternative lives, will I think of you ? Even if I lay there thinking about my own, will I think of you? Will you be dust on the bookshelf of stories that are my life? Still ever present, waiting to be wiped away so easly by a passing thought. Not major enough to stick but always there, floating around waiting to be brought up. I don’t know why you’ve impacted me so much. I hate how much I like you I hate it its tearing me apart. But yet you’re the only thing keeping me together. The way you sigh when we hug is the only thing keeping me from pressing that blade down. I wish you weren’t. I hate how impressionable you are and how my brain gravitates around you and all you are. I want you to leave but that would make it so easy. I want you to need me. You never will and I haven’t realized that yet. I don’t want to imagine a life where I can’t picture the curves of your face and the way your hair falls when its long. The way you don’t listen to me yet get so lost in your own stories. you’re selfish and horrible and I love it. Ignore me like I ignore myself. Use me. Because those moments you text me, the moments we’re together are what keep me sane. Knowing for at least a second, your brain is coated with the thought of me. Maybe one day when we are both lonely and abysmal, we’ll think of eachother. Ill finally be a thought in your brain again. Maybe ill be dust in your bookshelf. Your stories long and plentiful of journeys you take that will have nothing to do with me. I just hope after those books close, and you’re on to a new chapter, I hope the dust of me unsettles. Something makes you think of me. How I giggle too much or how I like jelly beans and potato salad. I’m not sure how long the story of you and me continue. I hope its long at vibrant and gives you all the feelings its given me. But if it ends as soon as I feel, such is life. Such is love.
What is the relation between certainty and doubt?
I’d like to think certainty is a form of doubt. One trying to console their own anxiously tentative thoughts and tendencies by convincing themselves that anything is certain. Doubt is what keeps us sane. It reels us back to reality when we get too hopeful. Whereas feelings of certainty, thinking something is certain, creates a standard. Once you have a standard, once you expect the same results, it sets you in a rut. You begin to doubt that it’ll ever change or improve in any way. So in this way, I feel they are directly related.